Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Making the Right Decisions (Relationships)

“How do I know if they are the one for me?” It’s an age old question that has plagued us all since the initiation of courting. Truth is you can’t; you will never be able to tell if the person you are interested in is the right person for you, not initially at least. So the best thing to do is take a chance and jump right in.

However, before you jump without your diving equipment let me introduce you to a few principles to help you with deciding who “the one” is.

One of the most common mistakes made by many in getting involved in a relationship is impatience, the inability to take the time to get to know the person in order to see if they are the best thing for you, best thing at that time, and the best for the type of relationship you are looking for.

Getting to know the person does not mean knowing what their likes and dislikes are, or knowing that they like the colour green, or knowing which fast food restaurant they like to eat from. It means getting to know the person on an intimate (not sexually) and personal level, where you feel so connected to the person that it is as if you are family or best friends; keep in mind this is during the courting and dating stage, not during the relationship (just so you know: just because you are good as friends doesn’t mean you’ll be good in a relationship). The point is not to know more so you can get closer to the person, the point is knowing as much about the person, the good and the bad, so that you are better able to make a conscious and rational decision on whether or not this person is the one for you. Most times what is done is we are exposed to the good and jump in without getting to know the bad as well Hence, when the bad starts to surface we are caught in a state of shock and disbelief, and certain expectations for the relationship are now dwindled to nothing more than a physically attraction, if so much. When you are exposed to both sides then it is now up to you to decide to accept the person despite their faults, or just admitting it is too much for you and move on. For it is with the acceptance of the bad that you will better be able to weather the storms of the bad times, since you would have already known what you are getting yourself into. The bad times are usually the test of the relationship’s strength, and if it is really worth the trouble…not the good.

Feelings are important, but most times feelings can quickly cloud your better judgment without you realizing it. Whichever situations you enter into always has to have a balance of both the logical and emotional. Give yourself enough to feel strongly about the person that you want to know more about them and get closer to them, but on the same note being cognizant enough to know when to detect the warning signs of a bad relationship and immediately remove yourself from the situation.

One of the principles that I find works in trying to decide if the person you are attracted to is the one for you is asking yourself this question, “Can I see myself being with this person for the rest of my life? i.e. getting married and enduring until “death do us part”. Many may see this as being a bit too much to be thinking about for a relationship, especially if it is young. However, ask yourself, isn’t the point of one getting into a relationship with someone is to have a lasting, fulfilling life with that person? So if not to live a fulfilled lasting life that you can share with the person, then what is it you are getting into the relationship for? It’s not that you are thinking about getting married to the person at the time, it’s just to help you make a decision you will not regret later on, should that become the case.

Another principle is asking yourself, “Why do I want to be with this person? What is it about this person that separates them from everyone else?” The common misconception is they do things to make you feel good or do things that no one has done for you. Anyone can make you smile and laugh. Anyone will go out of their way for you if they care about you. Anyone will get up 1 p.m. in the middle of the night, come all the way over to your house and hold you when you are scared. Also, anyone can give you the best sex you ever had. These things do not count. What I am referring to is someone who has a particular trait or characteristic that is either non-existent in others or is a rarity. Something that they possess about them that almost no one has or could ever have; because this person is someone you will consider to be special, so they should have a special trait about them that gives you a reason why you would choose them out of everyone else. Search for someone who can add value to your life, who can make you a better person than you are now, and who you can do the same for.

One final principle to follow is, weighing the pros and the cons. Even the simplest of them should be weighed, no matter how trivial and insignificant it may seem. Remember, it is usually the small things that lead to big problems and not the big ones. Measure them and see which weighs more. Not in terms of numbers and amount, but in terms of which carries more weight. For example a man who may not be able to take you to trips around the world, may not be able to buy you the nicest things, doesn’t dress the nicest, and doesn’t take the time to groom that much when he goes out. Yet he cares about you more than even your closet friend ever would, and goes out of his way to ensure your happiness before his…that’s a keeper ladies. A lady who doesn’t have the most beautiful face or figure, or may not dress so that her man can pose with her; yet, she has always been there for you through the good and bad, a woman like that is irreplaceable gents. These are the signs of someone who will truly love you no matter who you are or what you have in your life, they love you for you and nothing else.

On the same note, know that love isn’t enough; it is the most important element, but not the only important one. For if the cons outweigh the love then it is pointless to get involved in such a relationship.

The reason many relationships end up failing is because people get into them for the wrong reasons, do not get into one because you are trying to fill a void left by a past relationship. Do not get into one because the person who you want is unavailable so you cling to the next best thing. Do not get into one for companionship. Do not get into one because you enjoy spending time with the person, which at times is simply a spur of the moment feeling that will easily diminish over time. Do not get into a relationship for the sake of getting into one or because your friends are in one so you have to be in one as well.

This is a topic that can’t be discussed in one posting, but this should be enough to help you along your way.

Remember relationships aren’t a “test and go” experiment, neither is it a competition of numbers, it is to share important aspects of your life with someone you love, can confide in and who will forever be there and accept you for the good and the bad, yet correct the bad to help you grow into a better person.

All the Best.


  1. Wow.. Profound. Well put. As much discussions as there is to be had, this well written blog says it quite eloquently. I hope the readers get much out of it. I support this argument. Though some folks claim they are looking for certain things in a relationship, for example a man that will be good, not cheat, work hard, bring home the paycheck, etc yet when some ladies find that, they kno not what to do with such a man. That goes for sone men too. They find great women and most often times mess it up with the cheating the lies etc. I believe like anything else if one puts time energy and effort into sewing the seed and planting the foundation then till the soil (the relationship will take constant work) then you will reap the sweetest fruits of your labor. So guys instead of running to the next womans arms everytime something goes wrong, work at it with your woman. Ladies leave out the negative girlfriends in your ear saying leave him whenever something goes wrong and surround yourself with positive encouraging and supportive people who will help you fix things.

  2. You are so right Andrew, many don't understand the concept of what it means to be in a committed relationship, so easily internal and external factors influence the outcome of the relationship instead of the true purpose the relationship serves...I agree whole-heartedly with everything you said.

    Thanks for sharing, very appreciated

  3. This is awesome! I have found that men and women approach relationships very differently and this is well received! I don't think in this day and times the majority of people even know how have "real" relationships anymore! Thanks for sharing!

    Keep Thriving,


  4. Thanks for sharing your thoughts Joy.